THE PHANTOM MEANCE (Abridged)

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Corrupt Shadow
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THE PHANTOM MEANCE (Abridged)

Postby Corrupt Shadow » Tue Oct 14, 2008 3:13 pm

Here's my abridged version of The Phantom Menace in case people want a laugh.

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HOODED MAN: Tell them we’re here even though they know.
CAPTAIN: Yes’sir. [In Comm:] Here we come.
GUNRAY: We’re not lying about the blockade being legal or wanting you here.
HOODED MAN: Okay, cool.

OBI-WAN: I have an idea that some dark force is behind all this.
QUI-GON: Psh! Yeah, right, kid. Shut up.
OBI-WAN: But Master Yoda said--
QUI-GON: “But Master Yoda said--But Master Yoda said!” Enough! God! We need to only hint at the Sith’s involvement; not solve the mystery of the entire prequels in the first ten minutes of movie one!
OBI-WAN: *downtrodden* Yes, Master.

GUNRAY: JEDI?! No way! They’re so cool!
PALPAT--ER--SIDIOUS: Kill them.
GUNRAY: But--
SIDIOUS: Do it, dangit! That kid will ruin my plans!
GUNRAY: And your home planet?
SIDIOUS: Meh--destroy it. I’ll clean it up here in the Senate since I’m a senator—WAIT!! No, I’m a Sith Lord, not a senator!

DROIDEKAS: *Bzzzzt! BLAM!*
QUI-GON: Apparently we can’t destroy droids in this scene.
OBI-WAN: Let’s use the Force power from the video games.
QUI-GON: ‘Kay! We have to get to the planet!
JEDI: *Force speed*

JAR-JAR: Sup, man?! Try this psychedelic weed, man!
QUI-GON: Move, moron! Big giant tank!
JAR-JAR: Dude! Totally!

QUI-GON: Take us to your city.
JAR-JAR: Can’t man. I’m a dumbass.
OBI-WAN: Take us to your city.
JAR-JAR: Sh’yeah, dude. ‘Kay.

BOSS NASS: Leave!
QUI-GON: Give us a sub.
BOSS NASS: Aight, we get the dumbass.
QUI-GON: Naw, we take him too.
BOSS NASS: Tch! Fine!

JEDI: *Lightsabers flash*
DROIDS: *break*
JAR-JAR: *falls*
QUI-GON: Queenie, let’s take your tight-ass ship and leave.
JAR-JAR: Ooooo…shiny.

CAPTAIN: No gas, man. Gotta land on Tatooine.
AMIDALA: I heard the Hutts make some sweet bikinis here.
QUI-GON: We’ll go get parts.
AMIDALA: Oh! I’m coming!--er--I mean… my… handmaiden is going. She looks nothing like me… *looks around nervously*

WATTO: Let me cheat you, moron.
QUI-GON: *rolls eyes and follows* I’m taking my droid.
R2-D2: [Dude, we haven’t figured out how to do the stairs yet]

ANAKIN: You’re pretty.
ANAKIN/PADME: [More asinine, Lucas-inspired dialogue]
ANAKIN: I’m gonna marry you.
PADME: Yeah--that'll never happen. I don’t date slaves.
ANAKIN: I’m a PERSON!
PADME: Oh, in that case--see me in ten years.

JAR-JAR: Dude! I got the munchies, man.
SEBULBA: You ruined my chicken noodle soup, dude!
ANAKIN: Leave him alone or I’ll make more idle threats I have no way of backing up.
SEBULBA: Good thing my sinuses are acting up. Psh!
ANAKIN: Come have a slumber-party, guys!

SHMI: The only way to get money is to race.
QUI-GON: Race? In a space movie? Um…okay.
[LUCAS: What?! I liked Ben-Hur! It’s MY movie, damnit!]

QUI-GON: We win; we get the boy and parts.
WATTO: I get the pod and the mom then!
QUI-GON: Okay, that’ll work. She won’t start his downfall or anything.

PODRACE: *Anakin Wins* (Yeah… that’s all you need to know out of that 15-minute sequence)

DARTH MAUL: *no dialogue*
QUI-GON: Agh! A guy in black! Must be bad!
QUI-GON/MAUL: *fight*
QUI-GON: *escapes* To Courscant!

QUI-GON: Anakin, meet the dude who’ll try to kill you.
ANAKIN: Hiya!
QUI-GON: Obi-Wan, meet the dude you’ll let kill you.
OBI-WAN: Pleasures all mine.

QUI-GON: Let’s take the kid to the Council.
YODA: To be a Jedi you want, eh?
ANAKIN: YEAH!
MACE: Tough crap, kid.
ANAKIN: *pouts*

PALPATINE: Welcome back. I wasn’t trying to kill you or anything.
AMIDALA: Never, you’re my pal. Like a close uncle or something.
PALPATINE: Yeah! Go with that. Stay here and out the way.
AMIDALA: No, I’m going back to get my shoes.

NABOO: We’re not worthy! We’re not worthy!
BOSS NASS: We can’t really help you, but we’ll die as a distraction.
AMIDALA: Um--Sounds good to me!
BOSS NASS: And they think we’re stupid! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

QUI-GON: Stay in this starfighter, Anakin. That can’t possibly be a bad place for a nine year old.
OBI-WAN: We’ll take the Sith.
AMIDALA: We’ll take the Viceroy.
ANAKIN: I’ll take the…um…control ship and save the day? *rolls eyes*

BRAVO SQUAD: *some live/some die*
ANAKIN: “Spinning’s a neat--"… George, do I really have to say that?
[LUCAS: Yes! MY SCRIPT! MY WAY!]

PADME: We have you now Viceroy!
VICEROY: I think not.
BODY-DOUBLE: Quick! Over here!
VICEROY: Get them!
PADME: Okay, now we have you!
VICEROY: …crap…

DROID ARMY: *fires, massacres, destroys*
GUNDAN ARMY: *dies*
JAR-JAR: *hides and somehow manages to destroy things… ri-i-i-i-i-ight…*

ANAKIN: Oops, I flew through ray shielding somehow and into the ship.
DROIDS: [Uh, you order take-out, man?]
ANAKIN: What’s this button do? Oops, shot your ship, man.
R2-D2: [We have to leave, idiot.] *takes the ship out*
DROIDS: …crap…
SHIP: *explodes*

DARTH MAUL: *silent, but deadly*
QUI-GON: *can block lightning-fast bars of energy, but not a punch in the face*
DARTH MAUL: *strikes*
QUI-GON: *impaled through the heart, but manages to live until he talks to Obi-Wan*

OBI-WAN: NO-O-O-O-O-O! *gets all bad-ass*
MAUL: *Force-pushes Obi-Wan into a vast pit* (What is it with Lucas and vast pits?)
OBI-WAN: *jumps up, gets lightsaber, and slices*
MAUL: *is now half-price*

OBI-WAN: Master!
QUI-GON: Train him.
OBI-WAN: Who? Jar-Jar?
QUI-GON: No, you moron, the boy.

PALPATINE: We’ve arrived for the funeral. Ignore all the very bad stand-in actors in the background that look nothing like the real actors portraying the Jedi.
AUDIENCE: *confused*
PALPATINE: Goo-oo-oo-oo-oo-ood!

QUI-GON: *burns*
ONLOOKERS: *cry*
PALPATINE: *smiles*
YODA: Always two Sith.
MACE: Could the other be in this room now?
YODA: Nah! Impossible it is.

[CREDITS ROLL]
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Postby TheK3vin » Tue Oct 14, 2008 4:28 pm

First thought: Awesome.
Second thought: So much... time... could be doing so many... productive things... *dies*

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Corrupt Shadow
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Postby Corrupt Shadow » Tue Oct 14, 2008 5:37 pm

I guess I won't bring up the fact that I've done some of the other Star Wars movies. :lol:
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Postby Ryme » Tue Oct 14, 2008 7:08 pm

I've seen Star Wars redrawn and animated in ascii. If there's a bigger waste of time than that ... I don't know what it is.

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Postby TheK3vin » Tue Oct 14, 2008 7:27 pm

*shiver*

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Postby Corrupt Shadow » Tue Oct 14, 2008 7:48 pm

So, I guess that's a "NO" on me posting the other movies' abridged scripts? :lol:
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Postby Carygon Nijax » Mon Nov 03, 2008 11:42 pm

loved this.. it saved me the 3 hours of incomprehensible talk of the jedi & co.


I want the other scripts!!
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Re: THE PHANTOM MEANCE (Abridged)

Postby Cristiona » Tue Nov 04, 2008 10:11 pm

Corrupt Shadow wrote:MAUL: *is now half-price*
Heh.
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